Cliques

In the junior high we play a game called peanut butter river. Briefly, this game is a contest to get your team from one side of the “river” to the other with very specific and restrictive rules. Without fail every time we play it, these teams take 5 to 6 times of complete failure to figure out the best way to get across. When they finally do figure it out, time is up and no one wins.

Why does this happen? Well the answer may seem simple, but its simplicity also hides its complexity. Simply put they fail to communicate with each other. You have all sorts of personalities competing and everyone has the “perfect plan” to get across. Some want to play and others could care less. Some people don’t like each other and therefore don’t want to work together, and others just don’t get the concept of the game. This game in a nutshell is a great image of the church….it’s messy, confusing, and doesn’t always reflect what it was designed for. Ask anyone in full time ministry and they will tell you it’s messy, so many personalities, gifts, attitudes, desires, expectations, and not to mention sin!

What does this have to do with cliques? Well it’s so simple to point out the problem, but the solution is more elusive because of the above mentioned variables. In my years of doing youth ministry I have never been at a church where cliques weren’t a problem. In fact not only have I never been at a church where this hasn’t been a problem with youth, the same can be said of the adult community. Just take a look any Sunday morning in the halls and Sunday school classrooms. We naturally gravitate toward those we have more in common with, or are our friends, live in our neighborhood, etc. Why would we expect it to be any different for our kids?

Does the Bible say anything about cliques? James has harsh words for those who show favoritism towards certain believers over others. In chapter 2 of James it says “But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers.” In the context, the church members were treating the rich better than the poor. I’m not sure favoritism in this instance is the same thing as cliquiness (sp?). James doesn’t imply that there was a rich clique. Cliques don’t usually just spring up, they form over time.

What are cliques anyway? They are relationship groups that are formed based on history, personality, economics, social groups, schools, sports, hobbies, etc. It’s not wrong to form relationships based on common experience and history. If we are honest with each other, we know that we will not all reach the same level of intimacy with each person in a group. A group of people who are closer because of the above factors is seen as a clique.

Jesus was involved in different levels of relationships. Remember, he had more followers than the twelve. Jesus had 72 followers that he sent out(Luke 10), he was closer to the 12 disciples, even tighter with Peter, James and John, and possibly closest with John (the disciple whom Jesus loved). Did people go around saying “there’s Jesus, excluding everyone again” as he went off with just Peter, James and John? Probably not.

What I’m trying to say is that cliques happen and they aren’t entirely wrong. In many ways they form normally. What is wrong is purposeful exclusion of people or not accepting someone just because they are different (remember our James passage). Regardless of who you hang out with at church, as a Christian, you are supposed to be looking out for the person who is new, who doesn’t fit in and help them to feel welcome. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Are all the adults at our church good at that? Are you? Some people are – and so are some of our students. Of course, just because someone isn’t good at it doesn’t mean that we don’t work on it. We teach on it in every aspect of the ministry (Small groups, Fuel/Surge, Sunday school). Our adult and student leadership focus on it ALL THE TIME! We spend an enormous amount of time talking about it and encouraging each other to seek out the student who is not fitting in.

We have activities and retreats that are meant to break down those barriers. The games aren’t just to make church or youth group fun. There is a purpose behind them. When we play games together, or even better, go on weekend retreats or summer camp, we are building memories together. Often kids are separated from their normal group of friends and they have to spend time (and build memories) with a new group of people. This fosters new relationships – and it breaks down cliques!

I’ll let you in on a little secret. There is a vicious cycle among the students who attend any church and feel like they are on the outside. The scenario goes something like this.

•Student doesn’t want to go to youth group because he doesn’t know anyone

•Because of this he rarely attends, so when he does, it is harder to fit in (Remember, it takes time and shared experiences for friendships to form)

•He won’t go on trips or special events because he doesn’t know anyone

•Next time he attends, he does not have the memories and shared experiences of the people who are more active, so he feels like an outsider

The sad part about this scenario is that he will later tell his school friends or parents “the youth group is too cliquey” or “No one will talk to me.” I can’t tell you how many times a student has reached a turning point at camp or at a special event where they finally built a bridge to other students or adults.

There is also the old adage “you have to be a friend to have a friend.” Many students take no responsibility for their own role in friendship development. When approached and engaged in conversation, they will reply to all questions with one word answers and offer no questions of their own. They do nothing to help the people who are trying to draw them out and get to know them. After struggling to keep a conversation going on your own for a while, the student or leader will move on to someone who will talk back. If you try not to talk to anyone, you will probably be more or less successful.

This doesn’t mean that we should ever quit trying. That’s why we focus on it so much with our leadership teams. We want them to lead by example and continue to reach out to everyone who comes. We encourage all our student leaders not to stay in one group, but rather to walk around and see who has a need. I personally try not to get bogged down for too long in a conversation at Fuel or Surge because there are over 50 students there and I want to at least touch base with every one of them.

We don’t do a perfect job. Sometimes people get left out or no one talks to them. That is never our intention. We can always get better and we are always trying to get better. If you or your student feels left out, let us know. We will do our best to work harder to draw them out.

Does this youth group have cliques? Yes. This is both good and bad, but not near as bad as it could be. Other churches I have been at have been worse in the area of exclusivity. In general, I think our kids do a pretty good job. Pray with me that we will do even better.

Jeff Summers & Kevin McQuillen